prayer of despair soul

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Today I face another heavy test. I wonder why the same problem keeps returning. It is a pressure I find hard to release. Perhaps I can choose not to dwell on it, telling myself that all of this is only a test, that it happens because it was destined. But it is not that easy, because we are human, with feelings and emotions that sometimes weigh us down, that sometimes make us too sad, too hopeless, too grieved when facing such things.

Sometimes I wonder why this situation happens, and keeps happening, over and over. Why do we never take even a small lesson from the things that happened before? Am I destined to accept this? I ask myself whether I, too, am responsible for changing it. So many questions arise. What is it that God truly wants me to do, when all of this has already been decreed, already decided for me?

Yet I also believe that everything happens because of human error. Human weakness. The human ego that leads us into these problems. But in my situation, I feel it is too much. It feels deliberate, or comes too easily, until sometimes I feel I cannot avoid it. Yes, perhaps it is my own fault as the head of the family. Perhaps I cannot lead or manage things well. I often think this way, because I do not like to blame anything but myself.

Sometimes this situation drives me to despair. It tests my patience, tests my mind, and keeps asking me what I should do. Should I let go of all this, or should I fight until the very end, even if it hurts, even if it wounds me? Only Allah knows. Sometimes when I try to let go, try to accept and become someone who yields, my heart still cannot find rest. What more does a man want at this age, with health like this, but peace of soul, harmony in his relationships, and to live his remaining days in calm?

I cannot do this anymore, O Allah. I cannot keep holding back, resenting, arguing, quarrelling. I break a little more each time I face this. O Allah, there is nowhere else for me to bring my complaint but to You, the Most High. You are the All-Hearing, O Allah, my Lord. I ask You to show me the path I should choose, the actions I should take for the good of everyone. What I want is peace, O Allah, my Lord. Teach me to accept and to let everything go. Resentment, hatred, heartache, make it easy for me to release them, O Allah, my Lord.

Let me always remember You, O Allah, for You have promised that in the remembrance of You, hearts find rest. That is what I want in this life, O Allah, my Lord. I no longer wish to carry this burden in the wrong way. I am deeply sad, O Allah. At this moment I truly need Your help. Strength, guidance, and help come only from You. That is what I believe, and so even now I still hold on to Your promises.

I will try my best, because You have promised, O Allah, my Lord. Give me a little more strength. A little more patience to face my wife. And I will keep praying, for as long as I am able, as long as I can hold myself steady, that You soften her heart and make her a righteous wife, and that You make me a husband who guides his wife toward what is right.

Help me, O Allah, my Lord. This is the plea of Your servant, one who draws ever closer to despair. Amen, O Lord of the worlds.

finding purpose through spiritual connection

When we find calmness in our worship and bring ourselves closer to it, we have found the most important and meaningful thing in this life.

More than anything in the world, I must keep looking for the strength to find myself and God in this life. Perhaps this is the purpose of human life - to find the meaning and purpose of our existence. Why were we created?

By knowing God more closely and truly, if someone is sincere in their intention to seek the truth, God will surely show them the way.

khayal dgn nikmat

Hidup ini terlalu pantas, sering mengkhayalkan aku bila mudah terleka dengan nikmat. Kembalilah bermuhasabah, memperbaiki iman dan kembali mendekatkan diri kepadaNya.

6 feb 25, seremban

Lagu Untuk Esok Hari

Ku coretkan warna sepi

Di senja begini aku sendiri

Mengharap badai

Membisik lagi

Lagu harapan utk esok hari.

Kau lagukan warna pelangi

Meski haluan tetap jalan berduri

Kau dan aku bertemu nanti

Apa yg bakal dihitungi.

Singkaplah tabir ini

Aku mencari erti

Pimpinlah hati ini

Mencumbu ketenangan abadi

Bawalah aku ke sana

Ke malam seribu mimpi.

28 feb seremban.

Di Jalan Lurus Yang Hilang

Separuh perjalanan hidup
dalam hutan gelap,
di jalan lurus telah hilang.

Sukarnya untuk menceritakan
Betapa liar,kasar dan keras rimba ini,
memikirinya ketakutan ku tidak pnah reda.

Pahitnya, hampir seperti kematian
Ketika aku telah meninggalkan jalan yang benar.
Sesampai di kaki gunung,
di mana lembah itu berakhir,
menusuk hatiku dengan kegentaran,

Aku memandang ke atas,
Puncak diselubungi cahaya planet
Yang memimpin orang lain dengan betul di setiap jalan.

Dan seperti orang yang nafasnya tersengal-sengal,
Keluar dari laut ke pantai,
Berpaling untuk memandang air berombak bahaya itu;
Lantas berbisik suara hati:

"Begitulah jiwaku, yang masih saja melarikan diri,
Berpaling untuk melihat kembali jalan,
Yang belum pernah ditinggalkan oleh
Setiap insan hidup penghuni alam."

Bayangan hijap yg semakin pudar

Kita telah jalani hidup dengan tujuan yg jauh dari paksi kebenaran. Apa yg diajar, kita harus mengejar dunia dan meraih segala kenikmatan yang zahir di depan mata.

 Namun selaku manusia, kita tidak dpt lari dari naluri keghaiban ttg wujudnya pengertian yg lebih dalam ttg kehidupan. Cthnya, dgn khusyu kejar kekayaan kita masih saja akan merasakan kekosongan dalam diri dan pencarian itu tidak pnh smpi kpd titik puas dan tenang yang selama ini kita cari. Apakah lantaran cuba dibisikkan oleh naluri kita yg sebenar? Sudah pasti ade yg tidak kena dengan kaedah, persepsi dan pemikiran yg digunapakai dalam kehidupan seharian kita.

Penciptaan adalah sst yg menjauhkan kita kepada pencipta dan kebenaran. Kebenaran akan terserlah bila satu per satu penciptaan dilenyapkan dan kita akan mula melihat sesautu di sebalik hijab atau yg ghaib itu. Maka dengan cari menambah kekayaan dunia hanya akan menjauhkan kita melihat byg2 disebalik hijab itu di dalam kehidupan ini. Hati2lah bile kita mula cenderung akan cintakan dunia. kerana di saat itu  kita mula lenyap ingatan terhadap betapa sementaranya hidup. Dan lebih malang lagi, lupa akan pertemuan kita dengan Sang Khaliq utk perbicaraan makhamah kehidupan.

kisah nabi musa dan nwbi khidir

Aku mohon sedikit pjelasan ust ttg kisah nabi khidir dan nabi musa. Apa pgajran penting ttg ke -tidaksabaran nabi musa terhadap tindakan/pgajran nabi khidir? Ttg tindakan nabi khidir memecah kapal , bunuh kanak2,  perbuatan yg kita fikir  salah dri segi akal tpi mempunyai hikmah tersendiri. Apa yg bole kita belaja dlm kontek kehidupan zaman ini. 

Ust jelaskan, bila nabi tnya siapa lebih pandai dri dia,tuhan berkata ade seorg lain lebih pandai. Maka nabi musa tekad cari jalan menemui beliau, iaitu nabi hidir. Apabila ketemui, ia telah membeza dua ilmu iaitu ilmu syariat( yg dimiki nabi musa) dan ilmu hakikat yg dimiliki oleh nabi hidzir daripada tuhan. Mmg benar perbuatan membunuh tu salah dan wajib kita mengikutinya. Namun payung hakikat menyedarkan kita ttg hikmah yg sst yg berlaku. Mungkin akal tak mampu menjaring makna tersebut tpi tuhan lebih mengetahui. Ia bkn perlu bermaksud utk kita ikut cara hakikat, cth tak perlu sembahyang kerana kita rase ade khidmahnya. Selaku manusia kita mempunyai 3 perkara yakni , doa, ikhtiar dan tawakul. Ini semua adalah harapan kita sbgai makhluk yg bernama manusia. Allahua'lam