In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Today I face another heavy test. I wonder why the same problem keeps returning. It is a pressure I find hard to release. Perhaps I can choose not to dwell on it, telling myself that all of this is only a test, that it happens because it was destined. But it is not that easy, because we are human, with feelings and emotions that sometimes weigh us down, that sometimes make us too sad, too hopeless, too grieved when facing such things.
Sometimes I wonder why this situation happens, and keeps happening, over and over. Why do we never take even a small lesson from the things that happened before? Am I destined to accept this? I ask myself whether I, too, am responsible for changing it. So many questions arise. What is it that God truly wants me to do, when all of this has already been decreed, already decided for me?
Yet I also believe that everything happens because of human error. Human weakness. The human ego that leads us into these problems. But in my situation, I feel it is too much. It feels deliberate, or comes too easily, until sometimes I feel I cannot avoid it. Yes, perhaps it is my own fault as the head of the family. Perhaps I cannot lead or manage things well. I often think this way, because I do not like to blame anything but myself.
Sometimes this situation drives me to despair. It tests my patience, tests my mind, and keeps asking me what I should do. Should I let go of all this, or should I fight until the very end, even if it hurts, even if it wounds me? Only Allah knows. Sometimes when I try to let go, try to accept and become someone who yields, my heart still cannot find rest. What more does a man want at this age, with health like this, but peace of soul, harmony in his relationships, and to live his remaining days in calm?
I cannot do this anymore, O Allah. I cannot keep holding back, resenting, arguing, quarrelling. I break a little more each time I face this. O Allah, there is nowhere else for me to bring my complaint but to You, the Most High. You are the All-Hearing, O Allah, my Lord. I ask You to show me the path I should choose, the actions I should take for the good of everyone. What I want is peace, O Allah, my Lord. Teach me to accept and to let everything go. Resentment, hatred, heartache, make it easy for me to release them, O Allah, my Lord.
Let me always remember You, O Allah, for You have promised that in the remembrance of You, hearts find rest. That is what I want in this life, O Allah, my Lord. I no longer wish to carry this burden in the wrong way. I am deeply sad, O Allah. At this moment I truly need Your help. Strength, guidance, and help come only from You. That is what I believe, and so even now I still hold on to Your promises.
I will try my best, because You have promised, O Allah, my Lord. Give me a little more strength. A little more patience to face my wife. And I will keep praying, for as long as I am able, as long as I can hold myself steady, that You soften her heart and make her a righteous wife, and that You make me a husband who guides his wife toward what is right.
Help me, O Allah, my Lord. This is the plea of Your servant, one who draws ever closer to despair. Amen, O Lord of the worlds.
